Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize