Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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