lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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