I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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