So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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