there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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