I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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