If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
