He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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