I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
