Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
