i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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