I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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