Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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