Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize