"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
