but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
