It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
