The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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