you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
