I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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