the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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