Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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