I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We left the knife in your bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
