Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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