this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
