Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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