Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I faked an abortion last night.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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