You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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