At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
