Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
this hospital has no fireball
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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