You work out of a Hotel?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
