Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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