sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
