I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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