Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize