Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
