woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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