Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
