So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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