both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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