Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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