Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
