Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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