Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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