No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
