I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize