im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
