i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
