I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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