you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
