My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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