I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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