I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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