I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
