if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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