i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
