I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
