I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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