Your face is a jimmy john
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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