shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
