i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
