We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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