If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
