she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
