I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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