no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
