My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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