if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
