His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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