I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
